Things have been quiet around here but it hasn’t been for a lack of action and development in my spiritual program. Since the last time I wrote I have been to no less than four magical workshops. Two were full weekends, one was two days, and the final was a short half-day. Three of them were expressly Reclaiming-based, and the fourth was taught by a former Reclaiming/Feri priestess who now has her own mystery school.
These experiences have taken me deep into the realms of my own shadows. The painful realization is this; I have never once done an honest sex inventory on my Fourth step. Not because I haven’t tried, or wanted to do so. Simply because I haven’t been ABLE to. I have not had enough comfort and integration with my shadows.
I’ve walked through these shadows before, in therapy and through the Twelve Steps. But never have I walked through them with magic, through the use of ritual, trance, somatic work, divination, art, meditation, and chanting. It has lifted the veil into a whole new level of wounding that had not been touched by my previous efforts at healing. Starhawk and so many others talk about the three-part soul. I think my Talking Self was mostly healed by many years in therapy and through the Twelve Steps, but I am uncovering this whole area of hurt at the level of Younger Self that is still raw and desperate and powering me from a place I wasn’t even aware of. And the Younger Self is the connection to the God-Self, so what does that say?
There is much to do but one of the challenges is also to stop drilling through my pain like it is an obstacle on the path to Nirvana. I have to sit with it and honor it, listen to what it whispers, be open to the lessons and mystery it has for it. This is all HAPPENING because I refused to integrate this and shoved it aside. I cannot heal it while taking the same approach that it is too dangerous to even look at or touch.
I wish for myself a slow healing. So mote it be!