Yesterday I felt like someone judged me and I did not like what they determined. I felt like my words were being misunderstood, or worse—that I had been careless with my words, and now I was being punished for not being perfectly explicit. I wanted to scramble to clear my name, to say, “No—I see what you think and it isn’t right! That isn’t what I meant!” But that kind of desperate scrabbling after a person’s determination of me almost never bears fruit. I have to do what a twelve step recovery program has taught me and practice attraction rather than promotion. Promoting myself to you won’t work—but if I can just be myself, maybe you will become attracted to that and reconsider your opinion.
This is _so_ hard for me. I can’t tell you what internal discord this created within me for several hours. Knowing someone that I wanted to impress had a bad (and I thought, wrong) impression of me really bothered me. I have to close my eyes, breathe, and feel the edges of my own awareness soften. Little by little, I let some of the anxiety go. It flows out of me into the web. Eventually, understanding flows in. I did say some troubling things, or at least said things in troubling ways. The person was right to pull my attention to them. And the person meant to, and did, provide me with an enormous opportunity to reexamine my language and reconsider the importance of how I say and present things in the future. In the end I was able to thank them for being a teacher.
This, to me, is Magic. Not all magic needs a cast circle, the calling of the elements, the invoking of a deity. I have no tools save those that are the most important—my desire, my will, and my desperation. This is a spell I’ve been working for years, a spell to tear down my defenses and fears and to encourage opening, opening, ever more opening. These massive shifts in perspective could not happen for me without being open to the possibility of being transformed. Could not happen without the willingness to be uncomfortable for a few hours, the willingness to let the message unfold. This is the magic of letting go of my idea of how I should be seen.
The 12 Step Witch 
Hey 12 step witch! Love your blog. I have been using it a lot to guide me in some translation along the way of the steps. I love reading about this response to anxiety:
“I have to close my eyes, breathe, and feel the edges of my own awareness soften. Little by little, I let some of the anxiety go. It flows out of me into the web. Eventually, understanding flows in.”
I wonder if this comes from somewhere else, or is it your cultivated habitual way to work the 10th step? I am in a very ‘by the book’ program, which in so many ways works well for me, but I am struggling with the way the 10th step is framed and wanting to think of ways to frame it so it works for me as a witchy queermagical star-goddess adoring person. “Ask God at once to remove [my defects of character]”. What does that process look like for you? Do you pray to Herself? Always imagine it flowing out into the web? Or different things different times?
Thank you!!
Hello dear, thanks for stopping by….
I am glad you are finding the blog useful.
For me, the 10th step process of asking God to remove my defects of character is VERY MUCH about softening. Usually at the moment of realizing I am in the position of needing to work the 10th step, I am rigidly holding onto something-my pride, being right, winning…something that is not serving me. The act of breathing-bringing what is outside in, and merging with it–blurs the edges between self and not-self. The act of exhaling-sending what was me from me-continues this process. As the edges blur I soften, and my rigidness begins to break down. As it breaks down, I am able to consider ideas that previously were unthinkable–Like, letting go of my pride. Like, not winning the fight. Like, apologizing. Since I have blurred the edges between me and the world, an energetic flow has begun move through me that is now bringing me a wisdom that is Greater Than Myself. Suddenly these ideas seem like Good Ideas. Equilibrium is being restored within me. My sanity is returning. And–like a miracle–here comes the willingness to practice humility. Because I’ve been gifted with the understanding that I’m NOT actually just a single organism trying to get what I can get and screw everyone else. I’m so much more than that, and if I can put the key of willingness in the door then it will begin to swing open almost of itself.
My habit of breathing, of closing my eyes, of letting acceptance come and wash over me like a wave…these are my own cultivated habits but they are not things I invented, rather ideas I have picked up from many people, traditions,etc. I am always with Hirself, so though sometimes I need to get on my knees and pray, often when I do a 10th step I usually just sit in a chair, close my eyes, and breathe long and deeply for a few moments. Stretching often helps. I find my center and I ground into it. I do not have to go find God and talk to her, I just need to remember She is already all around and within me and to connect to my Priestesshood.
I hope this makes sense. I’d love to hear more from you. much love xo
Oh also–I see from checking out your blog we are co-religionists (reclaiming). Always lovely to connect with another Reclaiming witch.