Yesterday I felt like someone judged me and I did not like what they determined. I felt like my words were being misunderstood, or worse—that I had been careless with my words, and now I was being punished for not being perfectly explicit. I wanted to scramble to clear my name, to say, “No—I see what you think and it isn’t right! That isn’t what I meant!” But that kind of desperate scrabbling after a person’s determination of me almost never bears fruit. I have to do what a twelve step recovery program has taught me and practice attraction rather than promotion. Promoting myself to you won’t work—but if I can just be myself, maybe you will become attracted to that and reconsider your opinion.
This is _so_ hard for me. I can’t tell you what internal discord this created within me for several hours. Knowing someone that I wanted to impress had a bad (and I thought, wrong) impression of me really bothered me. I have to close my eyes, breathe, and feel the edges of my own awareness soften. Little by little, I let some of the anxiety go. It flows out of me into the web. Eventually, understanding flows in. I did say some troubling things, or at least said things in troubling ways. The person was right to pull my attention to them. And the person meant to, and did, provide me with an enormous opportunity to reexamine my language and reconsider the importance of how I say and present things in the future. In the end I was able to thank them for being a teacher.
This, to me, is Magic. Not all magic needs a cast circle, the calling of the elements, the invoking of a deity. I have no tools save those that are the most important—my desire, my will, and my desperation. This is a spell I’ve been working for years, a spell to tear down my defenses and fears and to encourage opening, opening, ever more opening. These massive shifts in perspective could not happen for me without being open to the possibility of being transformed. Could not happen without the willingness to be uncomfortable for a few hours, the willingness to let the message unfold. This is the magic of letting go of my idea of how I should be seen.